I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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