I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
