so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
