I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
