We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't deserve a penis
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
