I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
