theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
