I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
