seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
