i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
