You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
