dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
