It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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