I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
