i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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