my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
