Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
