You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
