We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
