Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
