I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
