I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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