How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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