I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
