I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
