cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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