Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
