nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You pole danced in your parka.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
