Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
