i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
