You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
