just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
