I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
