You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
