Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
ok first of all what the fuck
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
