never play flip cup with pint glasses
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
