So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so let's talk penis.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
