If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
