i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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