please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
