Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
