So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
