So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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