the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
