The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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