1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
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