Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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