mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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