you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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