So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
