I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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